The Taco Pit and the Missing Validation
Socket Seekers, it's time to talk about the whale in the room.
I have this void inside me; some would say it's a bottomless pit. I call it a stomach.
So I have been trying to fill this pit with absolute garbage for years, and it is still there gobbling up more. This failure to fill the pit has resulted in me being massively overweight.
Hint: we aren't talking about my stomach. I don't know what kind of voltage you took to that lump in your skull, so I want to make sure those that turned the dial to 11 understand.
We are talking about my self-doubt, self-loathing, self-hatred, and the other self things I eat to compensate for. If I knew what, I wouldn't have a nemesis that is a therapist telling me the honest truth even though I pay her in hopes she will tell me I am right
I have been thinking a lot about this bottomless pit and why I order so much food. Part of it is that when I am writing, I forget to eat, and then I overdo it when I do remember. Also, part of it is that Taco Bell tastes just like my feelings and I need to keep them inside. I guess we should also acknowledge Sonic's milkshakes; they taste better than my feelings.
Back to the story—so I keep doing this to myself. I shovel in this crap and hope someday I will feel better about myself. The problem is that I keep getting larger and this makes me—well, you get it. This isn't a fucking new story.
Like I said, I have been thinking about this problem, and I wish I could say I worked out how to stop this ultimate explosive behavior—get it? Cause my stomach is going to. Look, they can't all be funny.
Let's look at a typical Taco Bell order. I get the bowl with steak, beef, onions, and chipotle sauce. I may lose some of you here: I hate guac, sour cream, and the avocado stuff they put on it. This should be enough food for any one person.
But here is the thing—I get rewards at The Bell. (You have to be in the know to call it that. No, it isn't because I wanted to sound cool. Shut up.)
Have I mentioned enough that I grew up poor?
If you eat at The Bell you get rewards, and if you eat there a lot, you get a lot of rewards. This means that I always have a reward. Because I grew up not knowing if we would have power the next day, I have to use my reward to get a Cheesy Gordita Crunch—no spicy ranch, add onions and chipotle sauce. This sends my meal calories to around 1100 or so. Then, in what seems entirely pointless, I get a sugar-free drink. Gotta watch the calories....
I call this meal self-sabotage. I have thrown hundreds into that pit thinking it would replace the approval of society and my mother, but they never work.
I don't know if this post has value to anyone, but I think writing it down will help. Plus, I have enough hot sauce packets to last 50 years, and the mountain of napkins means we have emergency toilet paper for a decade.
Useless Recap:
- You get free food from The Bell if you use the app.
- Don't get sucked into the free food cycle.
- Food isn't validation.
- Hot sauce packets are not safe to use forever.
- Taco Bell napkins dissolve.
Disclaimer: Taco Bell, this is probably not an ad and I talk about going there a lot. So BACK OFF!