Red 40 Combustion and the Clown Car

So here we are Socket Seekers,

I had to work today so you get a blog or are being punished with a blog.

As it turns out, Red 40 and Lexapro both boost serotonin. Mix them together, and your colon goes into immediate overdrive, transforming your backside into a high-pressure water cannon. I essentially turned myself into a liquid-fueled rocket. Naturally, all the stomach medicine I bought to fix this is now a sunk cost—but who needs liquid assets when your brain is completely dehydrated?

Speaking of vast amounts of water running down, my Jeep still doesn't have new wiper blades and my heater is still broken. I have the replacement heater part sitting next to my wiper blades that I never installed, but fixing it requires wedging my entire body under the dashboard of a Jeep Wrangler in the freezing rain. If you’ve never been inside a Wrangler, it has the exact internal volume of a clown car, minus the whimsy. It’s supposed to drop below 60 degrees Fahrenheit tomorrow—or whatever superior, logical number that is in Celsius. Look it up yourself.

On a lighter note, thank you all for voluntarily performing self-electroshock therapy just to prove me right. I picture my average reader standing in a dark kitchen with a butter knife and a smoking toaster, hair standing straight up, completely satisfied. I am so proud of all of you.

Useless Recap

• My Jeep heater functions primarily as a localized ice box.
• The chemical combination of Red 40 and Lexapro converts human biology into a water cannon.
• The architectural naming profile of my readership remains scientifically accurate.

Disclaimer: WOOHOO! No pop culture references, so no danger of getting sued this time!