Mother Nature: The Felonious Litterbug

This morning I went for a drive to see the beautiful colors the leaves turn. I love the trees that are still green closer to the trunk, then, radiating out, they change to yellow and then bright orange. Mixing this in with all the beautiful fall colors is breathtaking. As I was staring at the ideal tree, I thought I really wish I could witness this all month long. I also thought how lucky the people who live in this area are to see this every day.

As I was enjoying the sight, I noticed this leaf being gently blown forward. Then, it would drift back. This repeated over and over until it dropped to the ground. I watched as it landed on top of countless others.

This made me realize this leaf is poorly made. That stem can't hold up to that much bending. This is a major design flaw, and no one else is noticing it. It is made of the wrong material. And that joint should be a Heim joint, and if it had this type of pivot, we could enjoy the colors all year round.

Also, why do they start out the same boring green? Is mother nature as boring as most car manufacturers, "You can have it in any color as long as it's black, tan, silver, or white?"

I want orange, purple, fluorescent pink, anything other than boring white or black all year long. We don't want boring trees that are the same colors all year round. We want those vibrant beautiful colors all year long. She only takes a chance in the fall? This is safe and lazy design.

I think she is doing the same thing light bulb manufacturers do—it’s called planned obsolescence. She intentionally designed them to fail after 6–9 months. Why else would you make them so fragile?

If I was designing a leaf, it would be made of sheet metal, and that stem would be made of titanium. This would solve multiple problems in nature. Birds wouldn’t survive their launch, and I wouldn’t have to clean their crap off my car. They would also protect the tree from those partially formed humans people keep producing who infect the peaceful neighborhood.

If they never fall off the tree, it would mean no more raking them up. Sure, they would contribute to climate change because they would retain heat.

These trees do help to clean the air. Had she put a label on them, half the people who refused to learn science would believe they help fight climate change. But because she didn't provide a label or a fucking manual, half of these uneducated people believe there is a mass conspiracy against them by their political rivals.

I blame her for most of the disagreements in our country. This was another cost-cutting decision that inflicted emotional distress.

If she had used my design, the tree could have dropped a leaf on anyone trying to cut them down. You lop off a few hands and heads, and people will steer clear of trees.

She may have intentionally created these engineering "mistakes." If you really think about what happens, everyone has to rake up these leaves. I suspect that she owns the rake factory.

In fact, it’s the only thing that makes sense. Why else would you release a product with this many flaws? This was intentional negligence. Leaves that last less than a year and are pretty for two weeks of that time. Then the massive mess that forces you to purchase an implement to collect them.

If you don’t pick them up, they start to stink and attract mosquitoes and other insects. Naturally, this means you have to buy bug repellent. They fill your gutters, forcing you to clean them. This means you have to buy one of those hose attachments or install gutter guards. I think we could sue for compensation on this case alone.

If you pile them up, they attract those partially formed humans who want to jump in them to hide from their manufacturers. Now, the manufacturers of these miniature humans should be held responsible for them infecting your yard, but if these leaves stayed attached, you wouldn't have this issue.

There is no spray to keep these tiny monsters away that is legal, and they are immune to citronella candles. Your only recourse is to rake and bag them immediately. If you leave them in a pile, those things will invade your yard.

I think Mother Nature is in the pocket of big business. She owns the rake manufacturers and gets kickbacks from the yard bag industry and gutter guard people. She has a complete network of kickbacks and forced consumers.

We are going to need a very high-end, heavy-hitting law firm to take on this case. Ms. Nature has been running this racket for so long that she is going to be incredibly hard to catch. We need a legal team willing to audit centuries of her past deals to expose the systemic pattern. Since this paper trail goes back hundreds of years, a standard GoFundMe isn't going to cut it.

We need to fight back. I think we can get her on RICO charges. We need a whistleblower to step up at the rake manufacturer. We need evidence to prove there is malicious intent. We need invoices for the shoddy materials. We need you to capture payoffs. With an organization this large and this old, there has to be someone who knows something.

We need a PI to take pictures of Ms. Nature's meetings with these external companies. If you can capture them handing her a payment or them colluding on future design issues, that would be powerful evidence.

I also want a copy of the patent on these tree things. I bet the original design called for a stronger joint. We will need a structural engineer to look at the blueprints and identify what got changed in the manufacturing process.

I also think Ms. Nature is just buying the dye for the leaves from the cheapest producer. If you work at a dye company that she buys from, please check if she is buying non-UV-resistant dyes. I wonder if the sun is making the stem brittle, and that is why they all fade into different colors. Now, I love the color variety, but she needs to start out with the color variety rather than relying on this eventual fading.

Once we convict Ms. Nature of RICO charges, we can then file a class action for anyone who ever had to clean up these leaves. We will be looking for a payout and the cost of any medical bills caused by raking. I am sure there will need to be some survivor benefits.

I know, growing up, I had to rake these things. If my grandfather was away, I would just run them over with the mower. This meant I used more gas since I had to do it more often. So, I want to be reimbursed.

I know if we all band together and share what we know, we can hold Ms. Nature accountable for this intentional suffering and constant expense on a global scale. Please let me know if you have evidence of wrongdoing.

Useless recap:

• Mother Nature's design flaw is causing a massive amount of litter.
• There is a criminal conspiracy that needs to be investigated.
• This is larger than one of us, it will take all of us.
• My drive to see foliage this morning was really peaceful for 10 minutes.