Dental Damage and Dr. Johnny Fever

I noticed lately that I am clenching my teeth all day. This could be a side effect, or the thought of talking to another person is the cause. I do this when I am working on IT things.

I have kind of moved on mentally from my job, but I have to stay for almost two more years to retire. All I want to do these days is write my blog and tell jokes that apparently the rest of the world has decided are not worth reading. So this is a little depressing, but also really freeing. I guess if no one is looking, I can say what I want.

So to quote the great Dr. Johnny Fever, "BUUUUUGGGGGGGGGEERRRRRRR!"

The drug that keeps me from bursting out crying is Lexapro. A side effect of this medication is bruxism. That is a fancy word for your jaw locking closed so tight your teeth turn to powder.

It also means it makes it easier to talk to people through your teeth when you are angry. When they ask if you're mad, you can just grunt "Yessss" through your teeth, and you might get lucky and they will leave you alone.

I look at jack-o'-lanterns' teeth fondly. None of them line up with the other.

I am shopping for a bite guard that you can wear all day that won't make me look like a football player or Hannibal Lecter. I would wear a shirt that says "Hi I am Hannibal Lecter DO NOT APPROACH.". I could even buy the mask if it means keeping my teeth longer.

Now here is the sad truth. I have dental insurance that means I could get them fixed. Unfortunately, my agoraphobia, touch phobia, and general fear of humans means that I would never make it through a dental appointment.

And here is what is even funnier: I opted to pay extra for this. Yep, another amazing financial decision for yours truly.

I do wish I was braver and I could go to the doctor and have them inflict immense pain on me. But I can't. I dream of being brave enough to strut in and say, "Give it to me, doctor, I can take it!"

Is it weird that a trans woman wants to be like Dr. Johnny Fever? Maybe being drunk out of my mind would be better than being sober for 50 years.

So I wrote this entire thing while my teeth are clenched so tight that I am probably going to pass out. I do fear that if I pass out on the couch, the furry beast that inhabits my apartment will attack.

That bear does not like me typing this much and he is growling—though that might be my stomach, since I forget to eat when I am writing. On the plus side, if my teeth crack open, I might be able to store food in them like a squirrel, and it would let me write longer.

That would make me an Agoraphobic Vampiric Squirrel.

Useless Recap

• Lexapro turns teeth into powder.
• A Hannibal Lecter mask should come with your Lexapro prescription.
• I pay extra for a dentist I will never visit.
• My stomach is angrier than the bear.

Disclaimer: Do not look directly at my jack-o'-lantern mouth. Please don't sue me WKRP, I love you and you don't want to hurt a fan, right?