Performance Metrics and the Fruit Pie Fallacy

Welp, here we are again, Socket Seekers.

Thanks for reading my blog when you could have just gone to get pie instead. Pie solves everything—at least, that was how I was raised. I mean, the borderline diabetes not so much, but... don't take advice from me.

So, I woke up in a silly mode today and realized that the part of me that filters my thoughts has officially quit. I think it was something about me never listening to it. Too much work trying to censor the crazy, long working hours, whatever. Honestly, I wasn't listening.

My boss asked me for this week's accomplishments, and the first thing I said was, "I said the F-word 13% less this week, and I feel like that is personal growth." Not "I did all this important work that needed to be done." Nope. I cursed less. And I am not even sure if that is true.

Luckily, he has a sense of humor and asked, "Is that a KPI we should track?"After I looked up what that was (because I suck at corporate speak), I said yes. Then I realized I will never be able to maintain that reduction. I followed up with, "Let's not track if I know when there is a serious ask of my manager, or I would get fired." So, as you can see, I am an outstanding employee.

I remember reading books to try and find my creativity before Covid. I felt like I had lost my edge at work. Now I realize this blog is my new creative outlet. So, thanks for indulging me, even though I warned you off. Seriously, you are still reading this? Wow, I thought I made poor decisions.

Anyway, I am enjoying it so much I am toying with the idea of writing a book. I think my title sucks, though: "Plaster Peak Counting: The Life of an Agoraphobe."

Useless Recap:

• Standard consumer pie is the only universally recognized solution to existential dread.
• My internal thought filter has officially staged a permanent walkout.
• Cursing metrics are now a formalized metric of my professional development.
• Corporate speak is a foreign dialect that requires manual internet verification.

Disclaimer: My corporate employer does not officially recognize a 13% reduction in profanity as a valid baseline for a salary increase. Please don't sue me; I cannot maintain this standard and my financial overlords are highly sensitive to my actual output.